David W. Swanson

Pastor and Author

an open to leter to pcc’s old(er) married folks

In last Sunday’s paper I read about two semi-public figures who, after many years of marriage, are getting divorced. In one case the couple had been married for 15 years and the other over 25 years. With this in mind, I’ve written an open letter to those PCC couples who’ve been married for at least 10 years.

Dear couples who have been married for 10 years or longer,

I’m writing to you because you seem to be an increasingly endangered species in our contemporary society. It seems like everyday I hear about a new divorce. Oftentimes the couple getting divorced is not known to me personally. Sometimes though, I do know the couple. And can I be honest? It stinks! Every time I hear of another marriage falling apart I get a little (sometimes a lot) depressed.

Now understand, I’m SO not standing in judgment over anyone who has been divorced. No way! I have friends who have been divorced, so I understand (as much as possible) that these things are never simple or straightforward. So far be it from me to point a finger at anyone else.

My point is that we need you to show the rest of us what it looks like to be married. We need you to show us how to love your spouse 10, 20, 30 years after you first said, “I do.” We need you to be honest about the hard times so that those of us who haven’t been married as long don’t feel like failures when things get rough.

The thing is, a lot of us don’t have tons of great examples of good marriages to draw from. Maggie and I are somewhat unique among our friends to come from families where our parents are still together. So we need examples of husbands and wives who love each other now. I guess you could say that we need spiritual parents and grandparents who will be willing to open their lives to us.

I could go on and on, but I think the point has been made. We need you to love your spouse. We need you to sacrifice for each other. We need you to make time for each other. We need you to see that your marriage isn’t just about you and your needs. We need you to be really gracious with each other. We need you to pursue Jesus together.

Thanks for reading. On behalf of the 10 years and under married folks,

David

David Swanson

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3 responses to “an open to leter to pcc’s old(er) married folks”

  1. Larry Eisner Avatar
    Larry Eisner

    I gotta put my hand in with Dave on this one! As a five-year-old married couple (not that we’re five, but that our marriage is, :)), I definitely want to see some honest people that have been married for a long time.

    We never hear those stories, only the sad ones. I’m very grateful for my mom and dad who have been married over 30 years. However, my wife’s mom and dad are not married, and I can definitely see how that view distorts one’s view of marriage.

    On top of this, let’s all be honest and say: There will be arguments. Heated ones. He’ll be right sometimes and she’ll be right sometimes. Sometimes you’ll be wrong and still argue to the death that you’re right. Other times it will go the other way around. People will say things they don’t mean, and you’ll make up or you won’t.

    But, the active love that caused you to marry in the first place, that still remains. Not the mushy feelings that come and go, depending on mood, what food you recently ate or didn’t, and how awesome or homely your spouse looks on that given date… But the real ACTIVE love that brought you together. The bond of a shared life that shares the common purpose of living for Christ… That’s what must remain, even when you don’t feel like it sometimes… Because, at least as men, we are called to love our wives as Christ loved the church. He died for us, peeps! Hopefully you won’t have to die literally for your wives, but I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that sometimes you have to take some near-death experiences in the relationship… But those things can truly bond you closer as you overcome them in understanding and prayer. (Preferably together!)

    Anyway, enough of my soapbox rant… But definitely, as a young couple to those old fogies… 🙂 Brag, man… brag on… tell us what helps and what hurts… share some of that old-person wisdom that you got along with those bad pants that went out of fashion 20 years ago… (I kid, I kid…)

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  2. Mary Mac Avatar
    Mary Mac

    We’re two of those “old fogies” who have been married for 44 years. And we still love and cherish each other. There have been times of joy and sorrow, highs and lows and everything in between for us. But…our committment is stronger now than in 1963 when we said “I do”. We still argue and bicker but even then it’s with laughter and humor. We don’t see “eye to eye” all the time and have our own strong opinions but as the years go by our bickering is over small stuff. In all the important values and beliefs we’re one.

    We want to be examples of not only staying together but loving each other more than when we first married. It’s possible. God has given us so much joy together, serving in Christ’s Kingdom together and sharing our lives with others.

    Reply
  3. Jeanne Avatar
    Jeanne

    So we’re not “old” married folks, but we’re in our 18th year of marriage, and I am so thankful for my husband. In that time, we’ve learned a that it takes a lot of simple things to keep a marriage working – hard work, patience, forgiveness, communication, and a sense of humor, amongst other things. We know that our marriage is where it is today because we have community around us to support and challenge us, and this community had to be intentional. We were fortunate to have some loving friends around us when things weren’t easy – to lift us up in prayer, to challenge us to be better people, and to just listen… (look for people like this!) What a blessing they’ve been.

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